Compiled by Steven Connor. as part of The Dumbstruck Archive, a continuing, online supplement to Dumbstruck: A Cultural History of Ventriloquism (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2000).

P. Performer. F. Figure. S.D. Small Doll.

F. "I'm leaving school tomorrow."
P. "That's funny. I saw your headmaster to-day and he never mentioned it."
F. "He doesn't know yet."
P. (with heavy sarcasm) "I see. You haven't taken him into your confidence."
F. "He doesn't take me into his, so why should I take him into mine."
P. "And what do you think is going to happen to you when you keave school? How will you earn a living?"
F. "I'm going to be a ventriloquist. It's easy and honest." (steals a quick look at P) "Or nearly. I've been learning to throw my voice - without moving my lips. I was wondering whether you'd let me do a bit. I've got a dummy. It's there."
(P. takes Small Doll and fixes it on Figure, talking the while to the latter.)
P. "All right. But I shall watch you closely. Now go ahead."
F. (shouting to S.D.) "Oy!"
P. "Don't shout like that. Speak nicely to him."
F. "Like you do to me?" (to S.D.) "What's your name?"
S.D. (in clear, small voice) "Fitzgerald."
F. "Why do they call you Fitzgerald?"
S.D. " 'Cos what fits me fits Gerald."
F. (to P.) "Proper sissy, isn't he?"
P. "ou mustn't talk that way."
F. (to S.D.) "What are you learning at school?"
S.D. "My alphabet."
P. "I'd like to hear you say it."
F. "So would I." (to S.D.) "Go on, then. Mind, all the difficult letters." (to P.) "And you can look at me and you won't see my lips move."
S.D. "A." (slight pause) "A -"
F. "What comes after A?"
S.D. "All the other letters."
P. "Now go right through from A to Z."
S.D. (recites alphabet slowly from A to P) "...P -"
F. "That's the difficult one - P." (to S.D.) "Go on."
S.D. (finishes alphabet.)
F. (triumphantly) "There you are. Twenty-six of them. And I can say something no other ventriloquist can say."
P. (deprecatingly) "I'm glad you're so modest."
F. (to S.D.) "Go on, Fitz."
S.D. (recites a tongue-twister), such as: -

"He was a thistle sifter,
He sifted a sieve of sifted thistles
And a sieve of unsifted thistles,
He was a thistle sifter."
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppercorns.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppercorns,
Where are the peppercorns that Peter Piper picked?"
"On two thousand acres too tangled for tilling,
Where thousands of thorn trees grew thrifty and thrilling,
Theophilus Twistle, less thrifty than some,
Thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb."
(P. unhooks S.D. and replaces it in former attitude while audience applauds.)
F. "What did you think of that?"
P. "I'm very surprised."
F. "So am I."
P. "But I saw you moving your mouth."
F. "I was only doing that so they wouldn't look at yours. Would you like to take me on again?"
P. "What about Mr. Green?"
F. "Well, you see, there isn't a Mr. Green."
P. "Do you mean you made it all up?"
F. "Not exactly made it up. It's what they call a figment of the imagination. I'd do my best if you would."
P. On one condition, then. You go back to school."
F. (cries, sobs and generally makes a fuss during the following dialogue.)
"I don't want to go back to school. The other children won't play with me."
P. "Of course, they will."
F. "No, they won't. They know I'm only made of wood."
P. "No, they don't."
F. (sobbing bitterly) "Yes, they do. These modern kids know everything. Do you know what they call me? Old wooden nut!"
P. "Now stop crying."
F. "I'm not crying."
P. "What are you doing, then?"
F. (tearfully) "Laughing. Won't you give me another chance?"
P. "Very well, but you must cheer up."
F. "Will you take me away in the case?"
P. "Yes, come along and I'll put you in."

(Business follows here with P. placing F. in case as described elsewhere in this book.)

Douglas Craggs, A.B.C. of Ventriloquism: With An Appendix of Ventriloquial Dialogues and Patter (London: Academy of Recorded Crafts, Arts and Sciences, 1944), pp. 43-4